lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
