she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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