so explain again why im purple
no
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
