It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
