My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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