What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
