he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
being pregnant is like rehab
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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