You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
