Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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