I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Randomize
