I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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