I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
