a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
