The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
