i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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