i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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