Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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