Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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