Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
