my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We need a shit load of segways right now
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
