My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
