The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
