So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
they're like a gay fantastic four
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
