listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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