I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
