So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He shit in the fireplace
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
