Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
