help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
