plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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