if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
