went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
