I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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