why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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