im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
