I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
