first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
