Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you inspire me to be a worse person
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
