I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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