My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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