You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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