we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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