She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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