Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
