If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
there's paper in my vomit.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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