I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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