Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
