he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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