i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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