Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize