when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
